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christian counseling Love

Dear Counselor, What is the secret to love?

I have really enjoyed answering the questions that have come in for the Dear Counselor series. Please feel free to share this and let anyone who is interested in asking a question to send it to erica@concord-nacounseling.com and I’ll continue to answer…

So, to the question at hand. What is the secret to love? It is so intriguing how much people love “secret” things. I remember reading the Secret Garden when I was younger and loving it. As an adult, I love figuring things out while watching crime or suspense-type shows or reading books. I also love the idea of a “secret recipe”.

My favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe includes a “secret” ingredient from one of my favorite people (who went to heaven last year…). I’ve made these cookies many times and each time I prided myself in telling others it included a “secret” ingredient and everyone loved them! However, I’ve made other chocolate chip cookie recipes over the years and people have loved these cookies as well.

This has led me to believe that maybe it isn’t so much the “secret” ingredient that made the cookies so special but the person behind the “secret”. It is fun to make a recipe that came from someone you love and the fact that there is a “secret” ingredient made it even more special.

So why have I said all of this in answering what is the secret to love, well it is because just like the recipe story, I believe the secret to love is the person behind it. You see God is love. He is the secret ingredient. Regardless of whether or not it is friendship love, family love, or romantic love, I do not believe you can truly love someone outside of having God at the core of the relationship because He IS love.

He is the one who teaches us what love is and how to love others. He defined love by being a marvelous creator of good things, by giving us free will, and by extending us grace when he chose to go away from Him as a result of the free will by sending His son Jesus to die for our sins and giving us a chance to have a relationship with Him again. His love is patient, kind, gentle, not boastful or proud, not dishonoring, doesn’t keep a record of wrongs, is not easily angered, and doesn’t delight in evil. His love is protective, hopeful, trusting, and NEVER fails. (1 Corinthians 13)

God is the secret because He is love. Seek Him and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you. (Matt 6:33).

Have a great day,

Dr. Atwell

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christian counseling

Dear Counselor…How could someone hurt me like this?

This is a question many have asked me over the years and honestly one I’ve pondered personally at times. The reality is, the more you engage in relationships with people, the more likely you are to experience some type of hurt.

While there are many reasons people hurt others, the majority of the hurts can be categorized in the following:

-Selfishness/pride: People are increasingly self-centered and sadly do not reflect on how their actions, attitudes, and dispositions impact those around them.

-Ignorance: At times, people do not realize they are being hurtful. People are often unaware of cultural biases, racial biases, lack self-awareness, or simply have no idea how to lovingly interact with people who’ve experienced trauma or who are simply going through a hard time.

-Difference of beliefs/values: Some people justify their hurtful behaviors by stating a difference in beliefs or thinking they are helping when in actuality they are hurting someone.

-“Hurt people, hurt people” is a saying that often makes sense even if it shouldn’t be and acceptable behavior. People who are hurt and who don’t effectively deal with their hurt typically hurt others (unknowingly or knowingly).

Often the first step in finding healing is seeking to understand. I hope this post helps you a little on this journey. At the end of the day, I hope you don’t follow the meme I ready recently, “Now that I’m healed, I don’t like people.” We have the tendency after being hurt to avoid others, but when we put walls up, we are also putting walls up to those who can help us heal. As our hurt often comes from relationships, so does our healing.

So, focus on what you can control. Seek to be different and seek to help others heal by not being self-centered, ignorant, judgmental by the wrong standards, or deal with your own hurt so you don’t hurt others.

Remember, as Christians we also serve the one who was hurt so we could be healed…

Isaiah 53: 3-5

“He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.”

Praying you find healing today,

Dr. Atwell

Categories
christian counseling

Dear Counselor…

Recently, I decided to ask you all what you’d like for me to write about, so here goes Blog for Dear Counselor #1.

What is the difference between “being down” for a while and being “depressed”?

This is a great question and arguably one many have asked or pondered. It is also a question for me that is often followed by me asking questions in return.

What does one mean by “being down”? What are your symptoms? How long is “a while”?

Recently, I felt down due to the weather being dreary, coming home from a heart-wrenching mission trip, dealing with loss, and become the mother of a teen driver! It hasn’t felt fun, I can assure you. However, it doesn’t mean I am depressed. Although it is important to monitor how we feel and all of our symptoms so we don’t go from simply being “down” to being depressed.

Depression is a mental health disorder that can be diagnosed by a licensed clinician or medical doctor through assessment of symptoms, length of time with symptoms, circumstances surrounding, family history, etc.

Symptoms to pay attention to include:

  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
  • Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism
  • Feelings of irritability, frustration, or restlessness 
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
  • Decreased energy, fatigue, or feeling “slowed down”
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
  • Difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping
  • Changes in appetite or unplanned weight changes
  • Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
  • Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause that do not ease even with treatment
  • Suicide attempts or thoughts of death or suicide

You may be feel down for a few days and experiences some of the symptoms of depression, but that doesn’t mean you are depressed. In order to be diagnosed as depressed, you must experience symptoms ongoing for two weeks or more.

If you have experienced any of the symptoms above for more than two weeks, I urge you to contact a licensed mental health provider or medical doctor. You do not have to stay in a depressed state forever. There is help available and treatments that work!

Also, I want to acknowledge that in certain faiths like Christianity, it can be taboo to seek help for depression. Friend, there were many people who loved God in the Bible who struggled with depression. In Job 3: 20-22, Job longs to die…

20 “Why is light given to him who is in misery,
    and life to the bitter in soul,
21 who long for death, but it comes not,
    and dig for it more than for hidden treasures,
22 who rejoice exceedingly
    and are glad when they find the grave?

Yes, Job was considered a righteous man. So, do not be discouraged or think that you have no faith if you feel depressed. It is ok to seek help! God provided ways to help us and for us to help each other. He also promised to always be with us even in dark times (Psalm 23). Finally, I’ll encourage you with a verse from Joshua 1:9,

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Thank you dear reader for your question and please send in more or encourage others to do the same!

Much love and encouragment,

Dr. Atwell

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression

Categories
christian counseling

Does it really make a difference?

Sometimes, when I consider the vast brokenness of the world in comparison to the seemingly small things I try in order to make a difference, I am overwhelmed. Sure, I’ve asked many times, does it really make a difference? Have you ever asked this question before?

Maybe you have contemplated, does my vote count? Does one dollar make a dent in the cost of this object? If I can’t stop the war, why try to win a small battle? Would it even matter if I forgive the person? Does this small act of kindness matter? Will counseling or talking about my problems actually help?

Sure at times we may say, yes I believe it matters, but often we simply don’t act because we don’t believe it truly does. Actions always speak louder than words.

Recently, my youngest son and I went to be a part of Christmas camps with Ukrainian refugees. We visited four different orphanages that had evacuated from their homes and took refuge in other countries during a war in their home nation. Did we stop the war? No. We we able to provide a loving set of parents to each child? No. BUT we were able to share the love of God with people who’ve essentially lost everything. We were able to spread the joy of Christmas with children. I was able to listen and care for adults who had to leave their homes and families at times to take care of orphans. These individuals and this experience showed us that yes every small thing matters. Simply listening to those who are hurting does help. Giving hope in any way matters!

So today if you are considering whether or not to go an extra step, do a small deed, donate a small amount, leave a kind word, etc. DO it. Let God do a mighty work with your simple act of obedience because as the song goes I grew up singing “Little is much when God is in it…”

Dr. Atwell

Luke 16:10 He that is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much: and he that is unrighteous in a very little is unrighteous also in much.

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christian counseling

Merry Christmas!

I wish you a very Merry Christmas!

As I reflect on this year the morning I celebrate my Saviors birth, I think about the tragic loss of a close friend this year, frustrations dealing with difficult people, changes in community, changes in work and ongoing stuff from the journey.

You may ask why I reflect on the hard stuff this morning. I reflect on the hard because it makes the birth of our Savior even more precious. Maybe like childbirth, it’s tough, painful but SO worth it. You see my friend, Jesus came as the living word (John 1) of God, the one who showed us God in flesh who was perfect in His love for others including us. So much so that He gave up his life to die for our sin and all the sin (brokenness of the world) so He could he’s all of the hurts from this world and make all things new.

I have a God who sent his son to save me from my sin and His grace now covers me. I have a Savior who will judge those who’ve caused me harm, righteously. I have a Savior who died to ultimately take away all hurt and pain one day! No other hid makes this promise…

This is why I celebrate today. Jesus the one way, truth and life, thank you for coming to earth and dying for me and for us all. I pray you choose Him today!

Merry Christmas ,

Dr. Atwell

Categories
christian counseling

Giving and Mental Health

Did you know that giving can actually help you mentally? Personally, I believe God designed us this way. He created us and our brains to feel the rewards and joy of giving.

Here are a few things even secular sources have shown.

1-Giving can make you feel happy by stimulating the pleasure circuits in your brain! It can give you a dose of endorphins and promote feelings of peace and tranquility.

2-Giving has been shown to decrease your blood pressure and reduce stress!

3-Giving is a great way to show you believe in reaping what you sow.

4-Giving inspires others to also do good things.

So, take advantage of today, “Giving Tuesday”. There are many places in which you can give, but if you’d like to help my youngest son and me take Christmas joy to Ukrainian orphans, please donate at PayPal at counselorthreads@gmail.com. We are trying to raise $100 per child and caregiver.

We will be visiting two displaced orphanages currently located in Germany and Austria and we play to have Christmas camps with them where we make/decorate cookies, play games, sing songs, and give gifts!

So consider giving today at the very least to increase your own mental health!

Happy giving Tuesday!

Proverbs 19:17 Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.

Proverbs 22:9 The generous will themselves be blessed, for they share their food with the poor.

Proverbs 22:16 Whoever oppresses the poor to increase his own wealth, or gives to the rich, will only come to poverty.

etc…..

Dr. Atwell

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christian counseling

Cognitive Distortions, those remaining

I’ve been discussing Cognitive Distortions over the past month, so I wanted to wrap up and not drag this out too long for fear of overload :).

Mental filtering: The thinking that we do when we filter out certain aspects of life. It is not always bad but when it is distorting your thinking is when you filter out all the positives and only focus on the negatives.

Jumping to conclusions/mind reading/fortune-telling: This type of cognitive distortion involves making assumptions that are often false. We must consider all aspects and all potentials of thoughts and situations.

Personalization: When your inner voice is always speaking negatively about yourself (I am so lazy, etc.). Instead, try saying I can make better choices with my time.

Emotional Reasoning: Focusing on your feelings too much when reacting to your thoughts.

Catastrophizing: This is worst-case scenario thinking. Force yourself to consider the best case also!

Magical thinking: This type of thinking involves rituals or formulas such as having an object that brings you good luck or washing your hands 3 times to bring out better sleep, etc. We must confront our fears and not trust luck, etc.

Control fallacies (external and internal): This includes assuming we are correct without really thinking about the opposite side of the argument.

Disqualifying the positive: This is self-explanatory.

Shoulds and absolutes: Using words like “all, always, every, just, only, never, none, no, not, must, should” often lead to cognitive distortions.

Overgeneralization: When we make hasty assumptions or generalizations from insufficient or false evidence, these are overgeneralizations.

SO, slow down, and write out. your thoughts, identify any cognitive distortions, and do the work to retrain your mind and your thinking! It can be done!

Be blessed and start thinking clearly today!

Dr. Atwell

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christian counseling

Will you add a Ukrainian orphan to your Christmas list?

I know it may seem early to start preparing for the holidays, BUT my youngest son and I must start now. I’m not referring to putting up decorations and watching Christmas vacation, although I love those things!

This year, we have a chance to help orphans and their caregivers who had to flee their homes from the war. Our plan is to join Glow Mission and Legacy Refuge as we host Christmas camps for refugees throughout Europe!

If you like to help us by sponsoring an orphan, we would be thrilled. The cost is $100 per orphan and we are hoping to raise enough to cover 700 children. If you’d like to donate, please go to Paypal and give to counselorthreads@gmail.com.

Counselor Threads is my new clothing brand I’ve started to help raise money for these and other efforts, but you do not have to buy anything, you can simply donate at Paypal via the email address counselorthreads@gmail.com. I will make sure you get credit for your donation.

You may also send a check to Natalie Atwell, memo: Ukraine orphans and mail it to 170 Davidson Hwy Suite 201, Concord, NC 28027

Watch the video below for more info.

Thank you in advance!

Dr. Atwell and youngest son!

Categories
christian counseling

Cognitive Distortion #1: Black or White/Polarized thinking

Road sign message - Change just ahead

I love the song by the late Michael Jackson, “Black or White” and it truly shouldn’t matter when it comes to the color of your skin but we are not talking about skin today. We are discussing our black-or-white thoughts also known as polarized thinking.

First of all, I acknowledge that polarized thinking can be helpful in an emergency situation. However, polarized thinking can be harmful if it is used all of the time in your thought life.

This type of thinking is very rigid in nature. It can often prevent you from trying new things or challenging yourself.

Here are some examples:

-I am a complete failure if I’m not the best at __________.

-I must be the best athlete in my school or I should quit.

-I am unlikeable so I should just stay at home.

-If I eat unhealthy once the whole day is ruined.

You get the point. Consider going throughout the day and writing down all of the times your thoughts are polarized. This is where you can begin to identify and then prepare to change unhealthy thinking.

In order to combat the cognitive distortion of polarized or black or white thinking, you can first try adding one of two short conjunctions, AND or BUT.

Let’s practice:

-I failed this test, but I will study next time.

-I may not be the best athlete on the team, but I am a great team player.

-I do things at times that cause people to not like me and while I don’t mean to do certain things on purpose, I’m trying to learn from my mistakes.

-I ate an unhealthy breakfast and for lunch, I will eat a balanced, healthy meal.

Try it today when you find yourself thinking this way. Don’t settle for distorted thoughts!

Have a great day,

Dr. Atwell

Categories
christian counseling

New blog series: Cognitive Distortions

Your thought life is arguably the most powerful part of your life. How and what you think impacts your choices and behaviors and in turn impacts everyone around you. So for the next several months, I am going to discuss a term used in the therapy world called, Cognitive Distortions. 

Have you ever heard the term this term? Cognitive Distortions are inaccurate misrepresentations of reality based on the way you perceive and understand the world around you. First, allow me to nerd out and discuss a few parts of the brain to help you understand how it manages emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. 

The front part of your brain is known as the prefrontal cortex (PFC). The PFC helps with making proper judgments, planning, problem-solving, decision-making, character expression, and cognitive behaviors. The amygdala is a deeply embedded part of the brain that assesses situations as safe or dangerous and can alert your body to use its trauma response (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn). Emotions want to be fed and often look for any evidence to confirm thoughts that are often biased. Therefore, we need to learn strategies for how to effectively manage our emotions such that they are not reacting to biased thinking.

One of the first steps in managing our emotions is to understand our thoughts and learn about how they can be distorted. In the next several posts, we will discuss the following cognitive distortions: Black and White or Polarized thinking/All or Nothing, Mental filtering, Fortune-telling or jumping to conclusions, Personalization/Negative self-talk, Globalizing/Overgeneralizing, Discounting/disqualifying the positive, Magnification (focusing on your own negative qualities over the good), Emotional Reasoning (focusing on emotions/feelings over truth), Should/Absolute Statements, Labeling (extreme unfair judgments), personalization/blame (blaming only yourself when it is not truly all your fault), Magical/Ritualistic thinking, Castastrophizing (always thinking the worst case scenario), and Controlling (not thinking about the perspective of others).

Once we can identify our own struggles with Cognitive Distortions, we can then activate our brains to respond appropriately as we slow down, take thoughts captive, and use some coping strategies such as the ABCDE cognitive behavioral strategy to reframe our thoughts and in choose to act and behave in more productive ways.

I also believe that learning to take control of our thoughts is biblical. 2 Corinthians 10:5, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

I hope to provide you with some useful information in the weeks to follow :).

Dr. Atwell