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christian counseling

The growing crisis of seeking comfort…

For a while, I’ve noticed the addiction to all things comfort especially in the USA, as I’ve noted before, there is literally a mattress store on every corner these days. Feel free to go back and listen to my podcast episode and the danger zone of comfort, but today I want to share some insight on a book called, The Comfort Crisis, written by Michael Easter.

The book is not based on a Christian perspective but there are many things discussed that truly point to truths written but sadly rarely preached in scripture. The author shares his story based off of an evolutionary perspective but I hope he learns about the Christian faith because I believe if he does much of his research and studies will make much more sense.

The first thing that I noticed is that Michael is likely a millennial who was raised to achieve things that led him to live a “comfortable” life. However, he learned that the comforts of the world actually do not make one fulfilled and satisfied but rather, they make one anxious and ofttimes depressed. He noted that people who have more do not stop complaining, but rather their threshold for what they complain about changes. For example, if you no longer have to worry about where your next meal comes from, you may begin complaining about the type of food you have. It is a very sad truth but I see it played out daily as I’m sure you do.

Another thing Michael mentioned in his book was that if we stop doing hard things or never challenge ourselves or allow ourselves to be challenged, then we never learn how much we are truly capable of. As a parent, I have watched many parents handicap their children by making everything easy for their children.

Finally, I’m still reading…so stay tuned for more in the weeks ahead, but he noted that the reported happiest places on earth are not the ones with the most money or comforts but he mentioned a place he visited that was very poor yet extremely happy. One of the requirements of living in the place he visited near Nepal was “to think about death once daily”. Yes, I realize this sounds morbid but the idea is to remember how short your life is and to make the most of it each day.

Here are the biblical truths that should be taught are were told WAY before Michael wrote this book…

Phil 2:14-15 “Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world”

Proverbs 14:23 “All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.”

Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

James 4:14 “Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.”

And here are a few things I have learned or am learning: We truly have nothing to complain about in the USA. Also complaining makes you feel worse, not better. I’ve been in parts of the world, where they have no electricity or clean water. We never have to worry about that in the US for the most part, so stop complaining about taxes…

After a friend challenged me to complete a Spartan super race in Asheville, NC (one of the hardest courses they offer), it made me realize I could actually complete a full marathon, and did (although when I was born the doctors said I may never walk…) The strong will I gained as a child having struggles involving multiple surgeries has served me well…

I want my life to make a difference in the world because I believe that this world is not the end and I will stand before the Creator of all one day and give an answer for what I did with the gifts and talents he gave me. I do not want to say I buried them and did nothing.

Phil 4:13, “I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength.”

Do something challenging daily,

Dr. Atwell

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christian counseling

The Sound of Freedom Part 3

So far on the journey, I’ve explained how I began working with people in the area of human trafficking. Often God leads you down very interesting paths that you could never imagine. In fact, there are many things I’ve done in my life that I never planned or had a strong desire to do from an early age. I simply have just said yes to the Lord in small things which led to some amazing journeys.

The next part of my journey was being asked to be on the human trafficking task force for my county. It is actually one of a few in the entire nation. Our DA knows it is happening around us and wants to stop it. So, she organized a team of community people, law enforcement, agency leaders, etc. to discuss, consult and work together to combat it. I love this group of people and believe they are some of the best in the business.

One of the members of this committee is a leader in the community who runs an agency that directly works to prevent and intervene with minor girls who have been trafficked. She is a force to be reckoned with, and is I believe the best in the field. This relationship led to me being asked to be a board member for her agency, Present Age Ministries (PAM).

PAM is an agency that works in our area doing many wonderful things to first prevent sex-trafficking of girls such as training for law enforcement, presentations for groups interested, groups for at-risk girls, developing curriculum for schools, and more. The intervention efforts include rescuing victims, partnering with counselors (like me and my staff) to provide counseling for victims, providing resources for families impacted, education for victims, training law enforcement, and more.

PAM also works internationally to do the same work in places such as Kenya. Last year, I went with PAM to Kenya and met some beautiful students, who during a school training in an area where we work, shared some very hard stories. I am so thankful we are working in this area…

So my sound of freedom now is the voice of my sweet friend, Hannah saying “Not on my watch”. Someone has to fight against this evil. Join me in supporting this work by donating to

Present Age Ministries by using the QR code below or going to https://presentageministries.org

Dr. Atwell

Categories
christian counseling

Sound of freedom continued

If you didn’t read my previous post, go back and read it first. This post is a continuation of my story of experiencing the sound of freedom related to human trafficking.

Continuing from last week, the first sound of freedom for me was the sound of my professor’s voice. He taught me that research matters. One of the things the film did well was mentioning some of the statistics surrounding the “business” of trafficking. Human trafficking is one of the fastest-growing industries in the world. Humans can be used over and over while drugs cannot so in essence is it more lucrative from a monetary standpoint. Statistics and research on these matters are important although dark.

When I met my friend the DA, I will never forget what she told me when I asked her how she could prosecute sex offenders for over 25 years. She said to me, “Natalie, God asked me to go into the fiery furnace but he promised that I would not be alone and that I wouldn’t get burned or even smell like fire, just like Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego.” I knew we’d be friends for a long time once she said that…

Her voice was likely the next sound I experienced on the freedom journey for the battle again human trafficking. She is very passionate about putting away bad guys and I love her for it. Since the time we met, I have been honored to serve alongside her with many other community partners, agencies, leaders, etc to discuss ways we can combat human trafficking in our area. One of the things we talk about often is that in a nice suburb, many people do not think that it happens or they simply want to not think about it. Thankfully, part of our work is educating the public.

Knowledge is truly power. I cannot protect my kids from everything, but I can work extremely hard to prepare them. Honestly, mine probably get tired of hearing “Remember not to talk to strangers online. I’m monitoring you. I don’t care if others’ parents allow them to ….., etc.” but because I know, I have to prepare my kids and part of that is discussing difficult and uncomfortable topics with them. As I often say, you do nto want your kids to use “Google” as their educator, If you talk often to your kids, they will know they can come to you to ask. You also do not want your kids to need attention or affirmation from strangers online, so make sure you are giving them adequate attention and affirmation often.

In conclusion, I’ll tie this all together by sharing with you one of the most startling statistics I found in my research and that was that adolescents whose fathers worked many hours away from home were one of the highest groups at-risk in the US. Think about this….Our kids may not act like they want or need us still, but they do!

Spend more time with your family today,

Dr. Atwell

Categories
christian counseling

How I’ve experienced the “Sound of Freedom”…

To be honest, when I first heard of this movie, I thought…hmm, “Do I want to go watch a movie about something that I deal with regularly? Do I want to watch something that may not portray sex trafficking correctly? etc..”

However, I’m so glad I went to see it because it reminded me why I work in the space of helping victims, why I advocate for those who are rescuing and helping victims, and why I love being a part of preventing the problem for as many as possible.

So, I’ve decided to do a new blog series by the same name of the movie, which by the way is a must-watch. Go and take everyone you possibly can with you!

Many times, I’ve been asked how I became involved in the work of sex trafficking intervention and intervention, and honestly, I think it started with doctoral studies. Prior to my studies and in turn research, I saw clients in private practice as a counselor who had been a part of sex trafficking in one way or another (yes sadly, I was ordered to see a guy who has been a part of distributing child porn- which was not fun or easy as I honestly wanted to just punch him in the face), but my interest and desire to do more truly started around 2016.

I had this amazing professor who I initially had a love/hate relationship with who did a ton of research in the area of pornography. He had a desire to shed light on the immense problem it has become in the church. He wasn’t a counselor, but rather an expert statistician and he had a great reputation for helping students complete their dissertations so he was my choice. This choice meant I may have to research something he had an interest in, which ultimately led to me researching school counselors (since I had been one previously) and their experiences with how pornography impacted students (sexting, distribution of images of self/others, students looking is up during school, etc.) This led to me learning so many disturbing facts and finding some interesting findings. One, in particular, is that 1/3 of the internet is pornography. Think about this and imagine the rabbit holes your mind can go down….Imagine the money, the business, the darkness…this is how my research began…

When someone completes a dissertation, which is basically writing a book, researching a topic for years, and becoming somewhat of an expert in an area, it is published for others to read. Of course, I thought no one would ever be bored enough to read it. Shockingly enough, a local detective read it and told the local DA about it which led to a meeting. This meeting led to a friendship and an appointment on the county human trafficking task force….The story just keeps getting better so tune in soon for the unfolding of the rest of the story…

In conclusion, I’ll say this week’s sound of freedom for me was a professor’s voice telling me that research can make a difference in the lives of others. I have always wanted to make a difference in the world and my parents always allowed me to believe that I could so I try daily. One major thing I have learned is that if you simply say “yes” to God each day, one “yes” leads to another and another and before you know it, you have gotten the chance to be a part of some amazing good work that overcomes evil!

Say yes today to one small thing and keep saying yes,

Dr. Natalie

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christian counseling

Help: My teen is depressed

If you only knew the number of times, I hear this on a weekly basis, you may experience some depressed feelings. Friends text me, potential clients email me, my family calls me, and I consult with colleagues as my own children have their moments, etc. The amount has increased exponentially in the past several years.

There are many factors I believe (from what I’ve seen and heard) that have contributed to the increase: increase use of technology for social purposes, 24/7 access to anything and everything, decrease in time spent in person with others, decrease emphasis on spiritual families (church, youth group, godly mentors), unhealthy spiritual families, increase focus on talent/intellect/abilities OVER focus on development of character, increase in divorce and family splits that are much more volatile, a push for medicating problems over uncovering the root of issues, the push of social/cultural agendas, and more but these are the biggest factors.

You may or may not be shocked by the “factors” I’ve identified, but the truth is teens are experiencing depression at higher rates than ever before. So how can we respond as parents:

1-Monitor your teens’ social media. Tell them why and explain that you are trying to help them manage their mental health by having time off. Gradually, allow them to have social media as they mature, but regularly monitor and talk to them about it. My personal recommendation is 30-60 minutes a day max on social media.

2-Take time off. Help your kids take time off too not just from technology but from everything. Prioritize family time again. Rest and reset often. Model this for your teens. While you are “off” spend time with your kids. Maybe you have 3, 4, or more kids and you think it is impossible. Make it happen no matter what. This is a life-or-death issue. Your kids need your one-on-one attention more than anyone or anything else, period. Weekly is preferred with each child in the home (at least an hour uninterrupted or split up over days).

3-Make sure your family spends time in person together regularly. Eat dinner as often as possible together. Have your teens invite their friends over. Encourage and require in-person activities.

4-Find a spiritual family/church to be a part of. I prefer the term spiritual family because this is what it should be. You and your family should be making healthy attachments to godly people. If you do, the chances of drug/alcohol addiction and all types of other unhealthy behaviors will decrease.

5-Make sure your spiritual family is a healthy one. Know the people teaching your kids at youth group. Make sure your pastor is preaching the truth of God from the Bible, which requires you to know the Bible…so read it daily, study it, meditate on it. This is the only truth and one that promises to set us free.

6-Place more attention on the development of character by fostering growth of the fruit of the spirit: love, gentleness, patience, kindness,  love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control OVER grades, sports, music lessons, etc. These things can be used to help foster character but often we (yes me included) focus more on how well they perform over their attitudes.

7-Fight to keep your family together. If this isn’t possible, make every effort to get along. Kids ALWAYS interpret parents who do not get along as their fault in divorce situations. So stop it!

8-If your child needs medication (should be a last resort), couple this with counseling so that they learn to deal with the root of the problem and prayerfully overcome it OR learn tools to cope with it that make them stronger.

9-Do not allow society or culture to tell your children WHO or WHAT they are. Teach them and show them that they are who God (their creator) says they are. They are designed perfectly as his creation. They are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. (Psalm 139:14). Others are trying to teach your children something counter to God’s truth so make sure they know and do not assume. They are precious in the sight of the Almighty.

Finally, remember you are NOT alone. Pray for your children. Invite the Holy Spirit to fill you and your child to do the work that only He can do. Seek Godly counsel. Spend time with your children as often as possible. Get help from godly counselors as needed. Find good physicians who will listen first and not just prescribe after a few minutes.

There is a supernatural fight for our children, but remember that the weapons of our warfare are righteousness, peace, truth, God’s word, salvation through Jesus, and faith. Do you know why David in the battle against Goliath picked up FIVE stones? I believe it is because Goliath had four brothers. So pick up all the stones you need to fight the battle against your teen. We will take down every giant in this world if we fight the right way and remember that HE who is within us is greater than he who is in the world.

Slaying giants for your children and mine,

Dr. Atwell

Categories
christian counseling Love

Dear Counselor, What is the secret to love?

I have really enjoyed answering the questions that have come in for the Dear Counselor series. Please feel free to share this and let anyone who is interested in asking a question to send it to erica@concord-nacounseling.com and I’ll continue to answer…

So, to the question at hand. What is the secret to love? It is so intriguing how much people love “secret” things. I remember reading the Secret Garden when I was younger and loving it. As an adult, I love figuring things out while watching crime or suspense-type shows or reading books. I also love the idea of a “secret recipe”.

My favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe includes a “secret” ingredient from one of my favorite people (who went to heaven last year…). I’ve made these cookies many times and each time I prided myself in telling others it included a “secret” ingredient and everyone loved them! However, I’ve made other chocolate chip cookie recipes over the years and people have loved these cookies as well.

This has led me to believe that maybe it isn’t so much the “secret” ingredient that made the cookies so special but the person behind the “secret”. It is fun to make a recipe that came from someone you love and the fact that there is a “secret” ingredient made it even more special.

So why have I said all of this in answering what is the secret to love, well it is because just like the recipe story, I believe the secret to love is the person behind it. You see God is love. He is the secret ingredient. Regardless of whether or not it is friendship love, family love, or romantic love, I do not believe you can truly love someone outside of having God at the core of the relationship because He IS love.

He is the one who teaches us what love is and how to love others. He defined love by being a marvelous creator of good things, by giving us free will, and by extending us grace when he chose to go away from Him as a result of the free will by sending His son Jesus to die for our sins and giving us a chance to have a relationship with Him again. His love is patient, kind, gentle, not boastful or proud, not dishonoring, doesn’t keep a record of wrongs, is not easily angered, and doesn’t delight in evil. His love is protective, hopeful, trusting, and NEVER fails. (1 Corinthians 13)

God is the secret because He is love. Seek Him and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you. (Matt 6:33).

Have a great day,

Dr. Atwell

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christian counseling

Dear Counselor…How could someone hurt me like this?

This is a question many have asked me over the years and honestly one I’ve pondered personally at times. The reality is, the more you engage in relationships with people, the more likely you are to experience some type of hurt.

While there are many reasons people hurt others, the majority of the hurts can be categorized in the following:

-Selfishness/pride: People are increasingly self-centered and sadly do not reflect on how their actions, attitudes, and dispositions impact those around them.

-Ignorance: At times, people do not realize they are being hurtful. People are often unaware of cultural biases, racial biases, lack self-awareness, or simply have no idea how to lovingly interact with people who’ve experienced trauma or who are simply going through a hard time.

-Difference of beliefs/values: Some people justify their hurtful behaviors by stating a difference in beliefs or thinking they are helping when in actuality they are hurting someone.

-“Hurt people, hurt people” is a saying that often makes sense even if it shouldn’t be and acceptable behavior. People who are hurt and who don’t effectively deal with their hurt typically hurt others (unknowingly or knowingly).

Often the first step in finding healing is seeking to understand. I hope this post helps you a little on this journey. At the end of the day, I hope you don’t follow the meme I ready recently, “Now that I’m healed, I don’t like people.” We have the tendency after being hurt to avoid others, but when we put walls up, we are also putting walls up to those who can help us heal. As our hurt often comes from relationships, so does our healing.

So, focus on what you can control. Seek to be different and seek to help others heal by not being self-centered, ignorant, judgmental by the wrong standards, or deal with your own hurt so you don’t hurt others.

Remember, as Christians we also serve the one who was hurt so we could be healed…

Isaiah 53: 3-5

“He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.”

Praying you find healing today,

Dr. Atwell

Categories
christian counseling

Dear Counselor…

Recently, I decided to ask you all what you’d like for me to write about, so here goes Blog for Dear Counselor #1.

What is the difference between “being down” for a while and being “depressed”?

This is a great question and arguably one many have asked or pondered. It is also a question for me that is often followed by me asking questions in return.

What does one mean by “being down”? What are your symptoms? How long is “a while”?

Recently, I felt down due to the weather being dreary, coming home from a heart-wrenching mission trip, dealing with loss, and become the mother of a teen driver! It hasn’t felt fun, I can assure you. However, it doesn’t mean I am depressed. Although it is important to monitor how we feel and all of our symptoms so we don’t go from simply being “down” to being depressed.

Depression is a mental health disorder that can be diagnosed by a licensed clinician or medical doctor through assessment of symptoms, length of time with symptoms, circumstances surrounding, family history, etc.

Symptoms to pay attention to include:

  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
  • Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism
  • Feelings of irritability, frustration, or restlessness 
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
  • Decreased energy, fatigue, or feeling “slowed down”
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
  • Difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping
  • Changes in appetite or unplanned weight changes
  • Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
  • Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause that do not ease even with treatment
  • Suicide attempts or thoughts of death or suicide

You may be feel down for a few days and experiences some of the symptoms of depression, but that doesn’t mean you are depressed. In order to be diagnosed as depressed, you must experience symptoms ongoing for two weeks or more.

If you have experienced any of the symptoms above for more than two weeks, I urge you to contact a licensed mental health provider or medical doctor. You do not have to stay in a depressed state forever. There is help available and treatments that work!

Also, I want to acknowledge that in certain faiths like Christianity, it can be taboo to seek help for depression. Friend, there were many people who loved God in the Bible who struggled with depression. In Job 3: 20-22, Job longs to die…

20 “Why is light given to him who is in misery,
    and life to the bitter in soul,
21 who long for death, but it comes not,
    and dig for it more than for hidden treasures,
22 who rejoice exceedingly
    and are glad when they find the grave?

Yes, Job was considered a righteous man. So, do not be discouraged or think that you have no faith if you feel depressed. It is ok to seek help! God provided ways to help us and for us to help each other. He also promised to always be with us even in dark times (Psalm 23). Finally, I’ll encourage you with a verse from Joshua 1:9,

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Thank you dear reader for your question and please send in more or encourage others to do the same!

Much love and encouragment,

Dr. Atwell

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression

Categories
christian counseling

Does it really make a difference?

Sometimes, when I consider the vast brokenness of the world in comparison to the seemingly small things I try in order to make a difference, I am overwhelmed. Sure, I’ve asked many times, does it really make a difference? Have you ever asked this question before?

Maybe you have contemplated, does my vote count? Does one dollar make a dent in the cost of this object? If I can’t stop the war, why try to win a small battle? Would it even matter if I forgive the person? Does this small act of kindness matter? Will counseling or talking about my problems actually help?

Sure at times we may say, yes I believe it matters, but often we simply don’t act because we don’t believe it truly does. Actions always speak louder than words.

Recently, my youngest son and I went to be a part of Christmas camps with Ukrainian refugees. We visited four different orphanages that had evacuated from their homes and took refuge in other countries during a war in their home nation. Did we stop the war? No. We we able to provide a loving set of parents to each child? No. BUT we were able to share the love of God with people who’ve essentially lost everything. We were able to spread the joy of Christmas with children. I was able to listen and care for adults who had to leave their homes and families at times to take care of orphans. These individuals and this experience showed us that yes every small thing matters. Simply listening to those who are hurting does help. Giving hope in any way matters!

So today if you are considering whether or not to go an extra step, do a small deed, donate a small amount, leave a kind word, etc. DO it. Let God do a mighty work with your simple act of obedience because as the song goes I grew up singing “Little is much when God is in it…”

Dr. Atwell

Luke 16:10 He that is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much: and he that is unrighteous in a very little is unrighteous also in much.

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christian counseling

Merry Christmas!

I wish you a very Merry Christmas!

As I reflect on this year the morning I celebrate my Saviors birth, I think about the tragic loss of a close friend this year, frustrations dealing with difficult people, changes in community, changes in work and ongoing stuff from the journey.

You may ask why I reflect on the hard stuff this morning. I reflect on the hard because it makes the birth of our Savior even more precious. Maybe like childbirth, it’s tough, painful but SO worth it. You see my friend, Jesus came as the living word (John 1) of God, the one who showed us God in flesh who was perfect in His love for others including us. So much so that He gave up his life to die for our sin and all the sin (brokenness of the world) so He could he’s all of the hurts from this world and make all things new.

I have a God who sent his son to save me from my sin and His grace now covers me. I have a Savior who will judge those who’ve caused me harm, righteously. I have a Savior who died to ultimately take away all hurt and pain one day! No other hid makes this promise…

This is why I celebrate today. Jesus the one way, truth and life, thank you for coming to earth and dying for me and for us all. I pray you choose Him today!

Merry Christmas ,

Dr. Atwell