Category: boundaries

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Wolf dad

Recently, I’ve been reading a book titled, Six ways to keep the ‘good’ in your boy, by Dannah Gresh because I’m raising boys, interact with others doing to same, and have realized it is not a task for the faint at heart to say the least. Just yesterday morning, my son came in after taking our puppy out and explained that he had to grab poop out of her butt…(stay tuned for the rest of this story…)

It is a great book with some practical advice on raising boys. By the way, she has one written for ‘good’ girls too. She starts out addressing the fears of mothers, transitions into the importance of connecting with your children and then explains her six ways. Some of the ways aren’t surprising such as encouraging boys to go outside, hosting fantasy football parties, giving them a book to read, etc. However, one story in particular has really challenged me..

She discussed reading a book herself called, The Man who lives with wolves, about a true story of a man named Shaun Ellis who studied wolf behavior to the point that he was accepted into a pack. Wolves apparently are very family oriented and cubs are raised in two distinct stages.

In stage one (the first 5-6 weeks of the cubs lives), the pups are sheltered and nurtured by their mothers. During this time, the mothers teach them to be intimate by cuddling them and bathing them. She also keeps them safe during this time and teaches them to bathe, eat and rest. The cubs are rarely seen by the rest of the pack also during this time.

In stage two, the cubs start to come out of the den and learn about risk and purpose with their dads. The wolf dads begin by teaching them through games similar to a relay game. As the weeks progress, the dads lead the cubs further away from security and their den. The intent of the relay type game they are taught is to teach them to hunt which is how wolves survive. Dads teach the cubs their purpose in hunting and then they come back to the den where moms continue instilling the value of community. The moms and dad work together to teach their cubs needed values for survival.

Ok, you say, that is nice and we can learn from that but it’s nothing shocking, maybe not but this next aspect of “wolf dad” is. Shaun, the guy studying the wolves, was actually accepted into a pack of wolves. However, one day when Shaun and another male wolf was left behind during a hunting adventure to guard the den full of younger cubs, Shaun got thirsty and left the den to only to be found and pinned against a tree for several hours by the wolf dad. I can’t imagine how intimidated and scared Shaun must have felt. Eventually, the wolf let Shaun go and Shaun realized that evening walking along the stream where he was trying to find water to alleviate his thirst, that a grizzly bear had been where he was and the wolf dad knew this from experience. The wolf dad pinning him against a tree for several hours potentially saved him from being ripped apart by a grizzly bear. Wolf dads teach their cubs to play, take risks and eventually hunt for survival. They know when to push their boys and when to punish or discipline them. The mothers also know to stay back and let the dads do this at the needed time.

As human mothers, somehow we tend to want to stay in stage one way too long. We want to secure and nurture our baby boys and often get in the way of their fathers teaching them to take risks, push them to work hard and accept challenges which includes loving discipline at times. It is hard as a mother to see your husband parent differently at times than you do or feel is right. We may think they are “being too hard on them, etc”. However, I do not know what it is like to be a man in this world. My husband has experiences, gifts, talents and abilities according to his design by God as a man that I simply don’t have and vice versa. I have seen my boys grow as I have stepped back at times and not tried to nag the manhood out of the men in my house.

For example, the story about my oldest from the beginning is that he took the puppy out to pee and poop before school and noticed that our dog couldn’t get the last bit (turd-sorry but that is the best way to describe it) out by herself so our son grabbed a paper towel and helped the dog to get it out and cleaned her up. At times, I may have felt my husband was being tough on our son when it came to taking care of the dog. However, hearing that my son who is in still in elementary school saw a problem, figured out a solution and took care of someone else without coming in to ask me for help or wine about it…made me realize that I need to sit back at times and allow my husband to push my son to be the man God created him to be.

Again, I realize that there are single moms in this world and parents who abuse their children and this is not at all what I mean by loving discipline. I encourage single moms to find a good man to mentor their boys. The beauty of the family of God is that we are supposed to look at one another as family and help one another. Families need to be available and willing to help single moms also. I encourage fathers to lovingly push their boys to reach their greatest potential. Finally, I encourage mothers to nurture and teach intimacy but also allow dads to teach the other needed skills for their boys to survive and flourish in this world!

Proverbs 29:11, “Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul.”

TGIF,

Natalie

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How to respond to evil…

My husband and I recently discovered the Amazon Prime series, “The Man in the High Castle”, which explore what life would be like if Japan and Germany had won WWII. It is a sober, thought-provoking, cliff hanger at the end of every show type of series. I love it but I’ll tell you it make you think and makes you thankful. For example, I would have been exterminated if I was in the Eastern Reich of the States because I was born clubfooted so I’m thankful that I live in a nation where birth defects don’t make you a mistake. However, recently I’ve been thinking even more about making my life matter and doing more for those in need. I was convicted that Americans today are somewhat like the Germans at times by thinking we are better than the rest of the world, happy to live in our nice homes, driving luxury cars, and giving pennies to those in need. It is a sobering yet true thought…

As this thought has been on my heart and I’m praying about what this means for me, I wake up and see the news of Las Vegas… I was reminded of the Bible verse in Romans 12:21, “Do not be overcome with evil, overcome evil with good.” This is the right way to respond to tragedy. Do good.

It was very sad to see that so many died at a concert last night, but it is also sad that thousands die all over the world of starvation. We cannot be so consumed with ourselves that we miss out on using our blessings as Americans for good.

Here are some ways you can specifically overcome the evil in the world.

Donate to Compassion International. http://www.compassion.com They give food, education and hope to children in extreme poverty.

Pray for the victims and victims’ families from the Las Vegas tragedy.

Pray for the mentally ill in our community and world. Pray for those who work with this population.

Be thankful.

Be kind to a stranger.

Volunteer at a homeless shelter.

Go to a great church and be a part of a family of believers that are working to overcoming evil with good. If you haven’t find one yet, keep searching.

Teach your children to do good and be great people not just great at a sport or activity.

Be encouraged today and overcome this crazy evil world with the good news of Christ today,

Natalie

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A lot of wasted toilet paper: Anger and Love

Growing up in a small town if you didn’t want to drink and party on the weekends at a friend’s house, you had to find something else stupid to do, so we ‘rolled houses’ (aka throwing toilet paper in trees) all the time. At some point it became so much fun to roll the ‘Roper girls’ house that my dad would sit and wait in his car (a very scary 1980 something red Nissan Sentra) laid back in his seat ready to scare some teenagers. It became quite comical and was really a ton of fun. Teens will be teens, right? I’m thankful that my parents let us have fun and didn’t make a big deal out of it as long as we cleaned it up…Parents often get very frustrated parenting teens and teens often get frustrated with parents. As kids, many will go through a phase of saying, “I hate you.” which can truly hurt a parent’s feelings. So how do we deal with angry kids? How do we deal with anger?

Truly, there is a fine line between love and hate. People get angry at the people they love and about the things they love. Anger in and of itself isn’t bad. God may allow anger in us to motivate us to correct evil such as child abuse or poverty or to help us set others things right. Hopefully as adults we’ve learned to manage our anger effectively, but let’s be honest, most of us are still learning in this area. At the same time, for those of us raising children, we need to help them learn how to manage their anger effectively also.

Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell in the book, “The Five Love Languages in Children” state, “The primary lifetime threat to your child is his or her anger.” It’s not pornography, sex trafficking, being kidnapped, drugs, etc. I tend to agree with their further statement, “The mishandling of anger is related to every present and future problem your child may have,–from poor grades to damaged relationships to possible suicide.” Teenagers are often the most difficult to deal with because parents often think, “We’ve tried everything and nothing works.” Teens are often being passive-aggressive, which is a subconscious determination to do the opposite of what the authority figure (parents in this case) wants.  Sometimes, passive-aggressive behavior in teens can be drugs, violence, sexual activity resulting in disease or unplanned pregnancy, school failure or even suicide. The good news is we can learn to manage anger and teach others how to positive manage anger as well.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that all anger is wrong and needs to be disciplined in children. Teach them how to manage it. Here are some tips:

-Give them choices. Ask them, “What is/was a better way of handling this situation?”

-Let small things go while parenting teens such as messy rooms or toilet-papering trees! Proverbs 19:11, Overlook offenses at times.

-Encourage physical activities such as mountain climbing, ropes courses, white-water rafting, sport, biking, etc that can help teens to satisfy their desire for excitement and danger.

-Model how to deal maturely with anger. Apologize to you kids when you haven’t done this so well.

-Allow them to tell you they are angry at you. When my kids starting saying, “I hate you or ____ person”. I  encouraged them to say, “I had what you did or I hate what this person did” instead of “I hate you”. Let your kids verbally express anger, which can be better than behaviorally expressing it at times. Let them get verbal at home when you are there to help them so they hopefully won’t do it at school. Allowing this isn’t permissive parenting, it is an opportunity to teach them. Proverbs: 15:1 A gentle angers turns away wrath, but a harsh words stirs up anger. This take time and practice!

-Give behavioral alternatives such as a punching bag. My kids will go punch their pillows. Some kids will hit themselves and I tell them they don’t have the right to harm a body that belongs to God, but they can punch the stuffing out of their pillows!

-Take time to listen to your kids, love them unconditionally and spend quality time with them. Explain your reasoning behind decisions to your kids. Most angry adults felt unloved by their parents. It is a sad but often true reality.

-If you need help, contact a family counselor who can help. Never let pride stand in the way of seeking good counsel. Proverbs 12:15 Wise people realize they don’t know it all and seek wise counsel!

God Bless you all for reading and use anger for good!

Natalie

p.s. A great toilet papering trick: My friend, Jill’s dad was one of the local assistant fire chiefs and he told us to light a match at the end of the toilet paper and it would burn right out of the tree without burning a tree! It worked for us! Just don’t try alone..lol

 

 

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My mom and Jane Fonda…

I’m sorry I’ve been gone from the blog scene for a while, life is too busy at times I guess. I do love to write and encourage you all (my two faithful readers).

Since Mother’s Day is this weekend (hint to all those who still need to get something to show their appreciation for the mothers in their lives), I figured I’d write about my mom.

My mom truly is one of my heroes. I really think she can do just about anything. I grew up watching her at home keep an immaculate house. The times we talked were typically on Saturdays as we cleaned the house together with my sisters, and listened to the “oldies music” of the 50-70s. Somehow my oldest sister convinced me that the toilets were my job! Although sometimes her borderline OCD cleaning tendencies drove me nuts, one thing I learned that she kept things nice because it made them last longer. Our house was small, but it was so nicely kept we though it was as nice as anyone else’s. Now, I try to keep my house clean too, but not quite like her. I think my husband married me because he loved how clean my mom was, lol.

Dressed to the nines is definitely a term used to describe her at work. Her work ethic was solid from the tasks she completed, the reputation she acquired, to the clothes she had on. She wasn’t a mom who tried to dress like a teenager, thankfully, but was always dressed professionally no matter what job she did from working in insurance to being a school secretary. She always looked like she could be working in Manhattan. She takes her job seriously and all of her daughters have a strong work ethic as a result. We also like to dress nicely too :).

However, my mom dressed completely different while mowing the lawn and weed-eating. Basically, she looks like Jane Fonda from the old work out VHS days. She wears a headband, truly a sweatband. Somehow she was always outside with that headband on when dates came to pick me up. She had nice arms from weed-eating she says. She is very strong physically and was a great softball player yet the ultimate portrait of a business woman during the week. I think I’m tough anytime I pick up our week-eater!

Lastly, she was faithful and supportive as a wife although it was not always easy. She always taught us to “never say never” and be careful not to judge others because you never know what types of situations you will find yourself in one day. My mom supported my dad while he was in the military and as he serves in other ways today. She is not easy on him though and expects him to bring her coffee every morning! “He brews” is a book of the Bible by the way…:)

Raising three girls wasn’t easy I’m sure, but we weren’t allowed to get too dramatic so as difficult as having a home with three girls may sound, she just didn’t tolerate our crap… We thought she was mean, but now I’m so thankful for the way she raised us and the example she showed us. The lessons are truly unending but Proverbs 31 probably sums it up minus the Jane Fonda headband.

So thankful for my mom who still doesn’t put up with my crap,

Natalie

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My Grandma taught me about the “bird and bees”.

I think I was in the 6th grade and stayed with her sometimes after school and I’m not sure how it came up but it was something like…”A girl has a garage and a boy has a car, don’t let a boy put his car in your garage until you are married…” No, my wonderful, amazing parents did not have this talk with me, but good ole’ Granny did…:)

I’ve been studying effective communication between parents and children. One startling statistic I read from http://www.fivethirtyeight.com this week is that on average parents spend about 3 minutes a day in meaningful dialogue with their children. We wonder why they don’t listen…maybe it’s because we don’t.

I also read in an article from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships called, “Parental behaviors related to adolescents’ self-disclosure: Adolescents’ views” by Ana Tokic ́ Ninoslava Pec ́nik,

that the following are reasons according to one study why adolescents’ don’t talk to their parents:

-Parents are distracted, unavailable, show mistrust, interrupt, lack understanding, break confidentiality (I just told grandma…), argue/yell, lecture, show disapproval or disappointment only and give the silent treatment.

Adolescents stated in the same study that parents who do the following make them want to talk to their parents:

-They are positive, creating opportunities for disclosure, ask open-ended questions, recognize their mental status, invite unconditional disclosure, wait for them to talk, provide support, self-disclose, are empathetic, appreciate adolescent disclosure, trust them to keep secrets, give constructive feedback, and approve requests.

So when should this start, if you are a parent, now…even if you have young children…If mine are in trouble and beating themselves up about it, I may share one of the many stories of when I got in trouble like the time I tried to do pull-ups on the towel rack and the sheet rock came down with the rack…Children learn to overcome mistakes and failures by learning from you sharing yours.

Make time for your kids today. They are worth it!

Have a great week!

Natalie

 

 

 

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The power of confession

No I haven’t switched to Catholicism, although in other denominations of the Christian faith, I think we can learn from this practice…

This week I was reminded of something from my oldest son. He woke me up one evening to tell me he had been lying to me. He was crying and said that he needed to tell me and couldn’t hold it in anymore that he had been lying. His little 8 year old heart was being pricked by God to confess his sin. He told me that he had been skipping pages and not reading entire chapters in a book I was encouraging him to read. At first thought I was relieved that all he was lying about was reading… He even said he had come up with his own punishment which was being grounded for two days.

In that moment, I was reminded that when we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us. When we confess, God’s grace can abound. If we hold it in, we allow God’s judgment to come. As a parent, my heart softened because of my son’s brokenness. I didn’t want to ground him for two days because he confessed. Our sins still have consequences but when we confess again God is faithful and just to forgive us. My son’s punishment was to read with me the next day instead of being grounded.

My son didn’t see that I wanted him to try a harder book and see if he could enjoy once he got into the book. He also doesn’t understand that I’m trying to help him prepare for reading more difficult material in school next year.

Consider this example…Maybe God is allowing a difficult season in your marriage because you or your spouse is hiding something. If you confess your sin to your spouse and ask for grace, your marriage can be better than it ever was or you can wait until the truth comes out (which it will) and invite God’s judgment on your family…

Who can you confess to? God of course, wise friends, therapists, and/or clergy. Look for someone you trust who will speak the truth in love to you not what you want to hear.

James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

Love,

Natalie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Davidson college grads do not…

…talk about bodily functions or simply pass gas and make a big deal about it. This I know after a conversation with my boss. Her husband is a Davidson grad. My response was, “I wish my husband would have graduated from Davidson”. I’ve asked him to up our 529 plans for the kids in hopes that my stinky boys will go want to go to Davidson in the future. People belong to all types of groups, alumni organizations, clubs, churches, families, etc. I learned last week that Anderson Cooper is from the Vanderbilt family which owns a famous NC tourist home, the Biltmore House. Most of us are not from prominent families in the US or other parts of the world but we belong to something, someone, or some group.

I heard a great message this past Sunday night on belonging. It made me think about how what we belong to directs our actions. For example, as mentioned above Davidson grads. don’t do certain things. :). My husband, who is proud of his bodily functions aka smart but not a Davidson grad., went to a hairband weekend convention/concert or something over the weekend. He had plenty of time to people watch and see what some of the band groupies were like. He isn’t a groupie or even fan of this music, but his friends are so he went along on a road trip to hang out with the guys. Oh the things we can get ourselves into simply because of who we are friends with. Some good and some not so good. Maybe we are trying to wear certain brands, play on certain courses, or enroll our kids in certain schools..think about why these things matter to you in terms of a sense of belonging. Do they really matter or should they long term if this is all you think or talk about?

Who you consider yourself to belong to is foundational in your life. Being someone who believes in God makes a difference in my life. If I simply belonged to a family, a club, or a group these things can and will let me down, change, and/or fail me. However, I believe God will never change, is in control of all things and I believe that he will never leave me. I belong to God means I have hope. Also being a believer in Jesus and having the hope that he paid my penalty for all my wrongs, means I should a act in certain ways. People should see and feel love, joy, peace, forbearance (tolerance and patience when I’m annoyed), kindness, gentleness, and self control in me because I am loved and should love others in these ways.

God put a desire to belong in all of us, I believe to draw us to him. What are you putting in place of your true belonging. Is it more important that you are a crossfit junkie, a soccer mom, or even a church member than it is to belong to God in your life?

Consider who you associate with, who you or what drives your actions and choices, and who you belong to today and everyday and act accordingly. I also suggest acting like a Davidson grad in the way mentioned above even if you aren’t one!

Love,

Natalie

 

 

 

 

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Prom or allergy season?

As a teenager, I was excited and nervous about prom season. As an adult, I’m dealing with allergy season. My how life seems to change, yet in Ecclesiastes 1:9, the Bible tells us, “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.

I was going to write today about things we are “allergic to”. My son often says he is allergic to broccoli. I’m not even sure there is a such thing. Anyways, some people also act like they are allergic to certain types of people and squench (I made this word up) their noses at certain groups..maybe that group is teenagers. However, at this time of year at the very least think back to that glorious time in your life…or maybe the not so glorious time in your life…prom. Also, be thankful for those neatly dressed kids in restaurants during this time of year.

NERD alert: According to Time.com “The word prom is short for promenade, the formal, introductory parading of guests at a party. The prom can be traced back to the simple co-ed banquets that 19th century American universities held for each year’s graduating class. A growing teenage culture pushed proms younger and younger, and by the 1940s the adolescent dance we know today had almost entirely taken hold. In the 1950s, a thriving postwar economy allowed high schools to eschew the traditional gymnasium in favor of proms held in hotels or at country clubs. President Kennedy rescheduled a 1963 $1,000-a-plate fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton to accommodate a local school whose prom had been booked for the same time. In 1975, President Ford’s daughter Susan held her high school’s senior prom at possibly the best prom location ever: the White House.”

Recently, my very cool husband and I were asked to be chaperones for a young friend of ours and this person’s date for their prom dinner. Maybe the couple was desperate and we were the last resort, at any rate, I’m excited. I’m looking for a cool car to take them in, making sure they have a nice restaurant to eat at, and thinking of other ways to help them have a great time while their cautious, loving parents feel safe also. Of course, I also want their prom to be fun. My proms were a blast mostly because I went with people who were fun. One of my prom dates was so nervous…He has a supped up Toyota Camry…yeah baby… and when we were leaving the restaurant with our motorcade of friends, he put his brother’s car in reverse instead of drive and hit our friend’s 198? T-top camaro behind us…:) poor thing. I tried not to laugh too hard.

It is a pleasure and joy to have friends of all of ages. Don’t be allergic to young people. Embrace the next generation. If you embrace them, they may actually listen to what you have to say. Share your stories good and bad and listen to theirs too. They are the generation who will be making decision for us and influencing our children.

Enjoying the season while sneezing,

Natalie

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Keeping your mouth shut…

Anyone who knows me, knows this is a struggle for me. It is an area in my life that I constantly have to work on. We all have at least one of these types of struggles… There are times when I think I’m doing better and learning and using my words for good, then I fall flat on my face and realize I still need to be humble in this area and need God’s help..

Yesterday I gave my sister a pretty big piece of my mind. She didn’t exactly ask for it, but when she called it was on! Of course in my mind, I was expressing helpful, honest thoughts that she obviously hadn’t thought about before. The problem is it wasn’t the right time nor was I in the right frame of mind to consider whether or not she was asking for my thoughts so it wasn’t pretty.

I’m a teacher, counselor, mother, etc. and people often ask my opinion. I’ve learned but am still learning that we must have boundaries even in the areas of giftedness in our lives. I also need to be sensitive as to what role I need to play in a situation and to learn whether or not an opinion is warranted.

Maybe your struggle isn’t your mouth. Whatever it is, I love how Priscilla Shirer encourages us, “When we live within the boundaries that God’s spirit impresses upon us, the things we do have will be accompanied by a divine nod of approval that will multiply their usefulness and our enjoyment of them.”

You see over the years, my sister has at times asked my opinion and I think often values it, which if you knew us is saying a lot, but yesterday I didn’t live within God’s boundaries and I didn’t wait for his divine nod of approval for me to share thoughts/concerns with her; therefore, it resulted in a fight.

The good news is, we can fight and get over it fast which we are less than 24 hours later. We are all a work in progress. This week, think about your strengths and think about proper boundaries you should should place around those so that you’ll use them in just the right times and places.

Thankful for forgiveness,

Natalie 🙂