relationships – Natalie's Counseling Blog

This is a question many have asked me over the years and honestly one I’ve pondered personally at times. The reality is, the more you engage in relationships with people, the more likely you are to experience some type of hurt.

While there are many reasons people hurt others, the majority of the hurts can be categorized in the following:

-Selfishness/pride: People are increasingly self-centered and sadly do not reflect on how their actions, attitudes, and dispositions impact those around them.

-Ignorance: At times, people do not realize they are being hurtful. People are often unaware of cultural biases, racial biases, lack self-awareness, or simply have no idea how to lovingly interact with people who’ve experienced trauma or who are simply going through a hard time.

-Difference of beliefs/values: Some people justify their hurtful behaviors by stating a difference in beliefs or thinking they are helping when in actuality they are hurting someone.

-“Hurt people, hurt people” is a saying that often makes sense even if it shouldn’t be and acceptable behavior. People who are hurt and who don’t effectively deal with their hurt typically hurt others (unknowingly or knowingly).

Often the first step in finding healing is seeking to understand. I hope this post helps you a little on this journey. At the end of the day, I hope you don’t follow the meme I ready recently, “Now that I’m healed, I don’t like people.” We have the tendency after being hurt to avoid others, but when we put walls up, we are also putting walls up to those who can help us heal. As our hurt often comes from relationships, so does our healing.

So, focus on what you can control. Seek to be different and seek to help others heal by not being self-centered, ignorant, judgmental by the wrong standards, or deal with your own hurt so you don’t hurt others.

Remember, as Christians we also serve the one who was hurt so we could be healed…

Isaiah 53: 3-5

“He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.”

Praying you find healing today,

Dr. Atwell

This is a hot topic and also a controversial one, but for now, I’m not going to talk about what most think this term refers to in certain settings today. I’m simply going to talk about some of the transitioning we all need to do at times. Maybe you need to transition from skinny jeans to flair leg, OR from soda to water. Just kidding, maybe…

Instead of talking about the transitioning that happens in times of major life events such as a wedding, starting college, becoming a parent, becoming an empty nester, or losing a loved one, let’s contemplate the transitioning of mindsets and attitudes. This is the point in reading, or for me writing, where our minds often think of who could benefit from reading this…Let me challenge you to instead focus on yourself. What mindsets, attitudes, or maybe even relationships do you need to change or let go of?

Our mental health is actually brain health. It impacts our entire body. If we have negative mindsets, attitudes, or hurtful relationships, our entire lives, bodies included, are impacted. You may be thinking, what do you mean?

Here are some examples of negative mindsets:

1-I have NO control over my situation.

2-Life is so unfair.

3-I have zero power to change ___________.

4-I deserve this _________________.

5-______________ (ailment, weakness, mental health struggle) defines me.

What about negative attitudes?

Can you be inattentive, inflexible, jealous, impatient, insincere, irresponsible, indifferent, or heartless?

Finally, review your closest relationships.

Are these people understanding, available, kind, supportive, responsive, reciprocal, and friendly, OR are those you surround yourself with negative, competitive, nasty, gossipy, expect you to be there but they can’t reciprocate?

Now when it comes to transitioning negative mindsets, attitudes, and relationships, the first step is to do what you hopefully just did–identify them.

Once you’ve identified your negative mindsets, attitudes, and relationships, next consider how to transition!

Here are a few positive mindsets to try instead of the ones above:

1-I may not be in control of all things, but I AM in control of some aspects. I can control my reactions and responses to people 2 Timothy 1:7).

2-Fair is not always equal. While I may feel I’m experiencing inequality in one area or another, I will choose to be thankful for the good things in my life. I will also choose to treat others HOW I want to be treated even if I’m not being treated the way I’d like (Matthew 7: 12).

3-I have the power to change __________. I may not be able to fully change things today in the direction I would like, but I can change __________ aspect (Philippians 4:13).

4-I am thankful for the blessing in my life. I choose to be humble and not have an entitled mindset (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

5-I am not defined by my struggle or weakness. I can find strength in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:10).

Attitudes:

Today I will be attentive, flexible, excited for others, patient, kind, sincere, gentle, loving, responsible, and selfless in my attitude and subsequent actions.

Relationships:

Today and in the future, I will choose to surround myself with positive people who speak truth in love, who are friendly, kind, supportive, understanding, positive, and who are there for me as I’m there for them.

I also choose to let go of friendships or other relationships that are pulling me down and influencing me negatively. I pray for family members who I may need to set boundaries with and will consider seeking counseling to learn how and when to do so.

I realize transitioning mindsets, attitudes and relationships are not easy, but it can be as simple as what I have stated. My promise is that if you make these transitions, it will be worth it!

Have a great rest of your week,

Dr. Atwell

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